New Vineyard Technology promises Fatter Binders

An impressive new vineyard analytical monitoring system, which promises full integration, real-time phloem logistics and shelf-bending binder weight, has hit the Napa grape market with a splash. Illiehel Ohrenfolios, GM of Vineyard Technical Solutions, gave an extensive talk to a packed house at the Napa Presentation Hall.

“Every vineyard manager can now pivot dynamically with each passing Fahrenheit degree, every millionth ETO inch. We now have a pixel-by-pixel approach to your vineyard. A millisecond by millisecond watch over her.” He waited for applause, then continued. “But I'm old school. To me, the real benefit is the bloated binders of illegible spreadsheets. The notes on the margins from the long-gone employees who are now hotel concierges. The nervous upward glances of cellarmasters who wonder if the wall-mounted bookshelf will hold during the next earthquake. And let me remind you. Your CEO will not find this data on a perfectly labeled folder in your iCloud. Print it out. Put it in the binder. When he asks if Vineyard Technical Solutions is worth it, where do you point?”

The audience responded, ready and unprovoked, “The big binder.”